This Fox News article features an exerpt from Suzanne Venker's new book, "The Alpha Female's Guide to Men and Marriage.
Coming as no surprise to those who know me, I think that article is a total load of horseshit. I shall explain. My words are in Pink, because it's a ladycolor.
ARTICLE:
She was, however, a remarkable and compassionate woman. And she was fiercely devoted to my father, so much so that five years after he died, she couldn’t bring herself to even kiss the man who fell in love with her at the independent living facility where she lived for a year and a half before she too passed away. The man wanted to marry her, but it was out of the question. In my mother’s mind, there was only one man for her. That he was gone and she was technically available was beside the point. Awww ok this is really sweet.
Despite my mother’s allegiance to my father, she never quite mastered wifedom—for one reason: she was wholly unyielding. Again, are we "mastering" wifedom? Is that REALLY the goal?
With my mother, everything was a fight. Well, that sucks. I bet this is not unique to her marriage relationship. These things rarely are.
Despite my mother’s allegiance to my father, she never quite mastered wifedom—for one reason: she was wholly unyielding. Again, are we "mastering" wifedom? Is that REALLY the goal?
With my mother, everything was a fight. Well, that sucks. I bet this is not unique to her marriage relationship. These things rarely are.
Everything was “No” unless she determined it was appropriate to say yes. If my mother wasn’t the one who made the decision, the decision couldn’t possibly be good. Again, neurotic perfectionism and anxiety are mental health issues not unique to marriage.
Every so often she would appear to cede to my father’s wishes, but only if she happened to agree with him.
Every relationship requires a masculine and a feminine energy to thrive. If women want to find peace with men, they must find their feminine—that is where their real power lies. Here I'm gonna argue that in every relationship there needs to be give and take and that isn't isolated to gender roles.
Every relationship requires a masculine and a feminine energy to thrive. If women want to find peace with men, they must find their feminine—that is where their real power lies. Here I'm gonna argue that in every relationship there needs to be give and take and that isn't isolated to gender roles.
Indeed, my mother was the quintessential alpha wife. An alpha wife micromanages, delegates and makes most or even all of the decisions. She is, quite simply, the Boss. Good bosses don't micromanage. That's not quintessential to any role.
Alpha women aren’t exactly new, but they were once a rarer breed. [citation needed] Today they abound. There are several reasons why, but it’s in large part due to women having been groomed to be leaders rather than to be wives. Simply put, women have become too much like men. They’re too competitive. Too masculine. Too alpha. Oh Jesus this is the part where she tells us to stop voting and get back in the kitchen.
That may get them ahead at work. But when it comes to love, it will land them in a ditch. Yeah, being super inflexible will do that.
Every relationship requires a masculine and a feminine energy to thrive. And people used to get yin tang tattoos in the 90s.
Alpha women aren’t exactly new, but they were once a rarer breed. [citation needed] Today they abound. There are several reasons why, but it’s in large part due to women having been groomed to be leaders rather than to be wives. Simply put, women have become too much like men. They’re too competitive. Too masculine. Too alpha. Oh Jesus this is the part where she tells us to stop voting and get back in the kitchen.
That may get them ahead at work. But when it comes to love, it will land them in a ditch. Yeah, being super inflexible will do that.
Every relationship requires a masculine and a feminine energy to thrive. And people used to get yin tang tattoos in the 90s.
If women want to find peace with men, they must find their feminine—that is where their real power lies. Spread your legs and think of England.
Being feminine isn’t about being beautiful or svelte, or even about wearing high heels (although those things are nice). Being feminine is a state of mind. It’s an attitude. Google dictionary disagrees.
ˈfemənən/
adjective
1.
having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with women, especially delicacy and prettiness.
"a feminine frilled blouse"
synonyms:womanly, ladylike; More
2.
GRAMMAR
of or denoting a gender of nouns and adjectives, conventionally regarded as female.
noun
1.
the female sex or gender.
"the association of the arts with the feminine"
In essence, being feminine means being nice. No, it doesn't. See above. Also, stop telling me to fucking smile.
It means being soft instead of hard. And by “nice,” I don’t mean you should become a mouse. (That’s the narrative the culture sells, but that doesn’t make it true.) Men love women who are fun and feisty and who know their own mind! Like that "cool girl" who eats chicken wings with the guys and never gets fat!
But they don’t want a woman who tells them what to do. Does anyone want to be told what to do? Really?
As a man named Chuck once wrote on my site: “A strong woman is awesome. But she must be inviting and be able to mesh into an actual relationship. Needing to dominate and overpower, that is a no go.” Be bossy, but not too bossy. Speak up, but not that way. Be heard, but don't be shrill? Why is this so hard? How do you not get this? **MASSIVE eye roll**
Jackie Kennedy once said there are two kinds of women: those who want power in the world, and those who want power in bed. American women have become laser-focused on the former and have rejected the latter. In doing so, they’ve undermined their ability to find lasting love. So what you're saying is, you don't believe it's possible to be a freak on the streets and a kitten in the sheets? Are you basing this entire opinion piece on your own narrow experience? (short answer: yes)
The roles may have changed, but the rules haven’t. All a good man wants is for his wife to be happy, and he will go to great lengths to make it happen. He’ll even support his wife’s ideas, plans or opinions if he doesn’t agree with them. That’s because a husband’s number one goal is to please his wife. If he determines his wife cannot be pleased, Those troublesome women! What another species! It's like you can't have a conversation with them like real humans. You have to just keep trying super hard to please them and get frustrated when your misguided attempts fall flat. Better give up instead of working together.
Jackie Kennedy once said there are two kinds of women: those who want power in the world, and those who want power in bed. American women have become laser-focused on the former and have rejected the latter. In doing so, they’ve undermined their ability to find lasting love. So what you're saying is, you don't believe it's possible to be a freak on the streets and a kitten in the sheets? Are you basing this entire opinion piece on your own narrow experience? (short answer: yes)
The roles may have changed, but the rules haven’t. All a good man wants is for his wife to be happy, and he will go to great lengths to make it happen. He’ll even support his wife’s ideas, plans or opinions if he doesn’t agree with them. That’s because a husband’s number one goal is to please his wife. If he determines his wife cannot be pleased, Those troublesome women! What another species! It's like you can't have a conversation with them like real humans. You have to just keep trying super hard to please them and get frustrated when your misguided attempts fall flat. Better give up instead of working together.
that’s when the marriage is in trouble. Is that really the line?
Men are just so much simpler than women. Not simple as in dumb, as is often portrayed in the media. Simple in that they have far fewer needs than women do. What men want most of all is respect, companionship and sex. Ok, this is sounding pretty reasonable.
If you supply these basics, your husband will do anything for you—slay the dragons, kill the beast, work three jobs, etc. Men will happily do this if, and only if, they are loved well in return. Not liking the 'supply' terminology. This sounds like wives have a quota.
It is when men are not loved well that problems arise. Uh-oh...
That is the nature of the male-female dance. Oh shit, here it is!
Now I know what you’re thinking: that I’m putting everything on you. I am, and I’m not. You are.
Your husband is 100% responsible for his own actions. If he makes stupid choices, such as getting repeatedly drunk, it’s his job to own up to that behavior and stop it. Same goes for his emotional outbursts, if he has them, or his not coming home when he said he would. Or even his having an affair. He's even responsible when he has an affair. See, I'm on your side, ladies. **tosses bone**
What I am saying is that men tend to follow women’s lead. Your husband’s actions are more often than not reactions. Just kidding, it's your fault again.
What I am saying is that men tend to follow women’s lead. Your husband’s actions are more often than not reactions. Just kidding, it's your fault again.
He’s reacting to something you said or did, or to something you didn’t say or didn’t do. He’s reacting to your moods, your gestures, your inflections and your tone. That’s how men are. This is how human interaction works.
Your husband wants you to be happy, and when he sees it isn’t working he thinks he’s failed. That’s when he acts out. Definitely your fault. Why can't you just be happy?
Another way to think about the male-female dance is to consider the game of chess. In chess, the king is the most important piece but also one of the weakest. He can only move one square in any direction—up, down, to the sides, and diagonally. The queen, however, is the most powerful piece. She can move in any one direction—forward, backward, sideways, or diagonally. And how she moves affects how he moves. This is pretty reductionist and kind of a slap to men. Also purporting that because men are so limited women must rush around in the background making sure they don't live life as an informercial 'before' clip". Totally no-one's job to clean up after another functional adult.
Another way to think about the male-female dance is to consider the game of chess. In chess, the king is the most important piece but also one of the weakest. He can only move one square in any direction—up, down, to the sides, and diagonally. The queen, however, is the most powerful piece. She can move in any one direction—forward, backward, sideways, or diagonally. And how she moves affects how he moves. This is pretty reductionist and kind of a slap to men. Also purporting that because men are so limited women must rush around in the background making sure they don't live life as an informercial 'before' clip". Totally no-one's job to clean up after another functional adult.
As a woman, you can respond to this dynamic in one of two ways: you can resent it, or you can embrace it. Or you can reject it as completely fabricated bullshit.
I used to resent it. I’d think to myself, How can I possibly make sure my husband isn’t negatively affected by my every mood swing? I’m a Pisces, for God’s sake! My moods shift with the wind! Plus, why am I responsible for my husband’s reactions? The whole thing seemed like a whole lot of pressure, not to mention unfair. Yeah, that's pretty unfair.
As a result, I embraced my alpha personality as though it were a baby in need of protection. Again, your mental health issues are not my problem. Have you tried working on this neurosis with a professional?
As a result, I embraced my alpha personality as though it were a baby in need of protection. Again, your mental health issues are not my problem. Have you tried working on this neurosis with a professional?
If my husband chose me, obviously he likes that about me. Why should I have to change? Who would I be if I changed? And how could I be someone different, even if I wanted to? It's almost like no one ever grows and changes throughout their whole life.
But my alpha ways were bumping up against his alpha nature. We were like two bulls hanging out in the same pen together, and there was too much friction. And because I had zero interest in my husband adopting a more feminine role, I set about to become the feminine creature our culture insists women not be. You don't have to emasculate him to work together. Listening and coming to a mutual consensus is again not relegated to gender roles. Also, our culture isn't insisting that you not be feminine. Did someone forcefully take your bra away and hand you baggy cargo pants? I didn't think so.
And here’s what I learned: It’s liberating to be a beta! Yeah, not being a control freak is pretty cool.
I’m an alpha all day long, and it gets tiresome. I concede that I thrive on it; but at the end of the day, I’m spent. Self-reliance is exhausting. Making all the decisions is exhausting. Driving the car, literally or figuratively, is exhausting. It is! Everyone deserves a break from being "on" all the time. Isn't achieving balance fabulous?
It took me a ridiculously long time to get it. But once I did, once I accepted that the energy I exude and the way I approach my husband directly affects his response and behavior, I changed my tune. I bet all your other relationships got better too because this is literally true for every social interaction.
But my alpha ways were bumping up against his alpha nature. We were like two bulls hanging out in the same pen together, and there was too much friction. And because I had zero interest in my husband adopting a more feminine role, I set about to become the feminine creature our culture insists women not be. You don't have to emasculate him to work together. Listening and coming to a mutual consensus is again not relegated to gender roles. Also, our culture isn't insisting that you not be feminine. Did someone forcefully take your bra away and hand you baggy cargo pants? I didn't think so.
And here’s what I learned: It’s liberating to be a beta! Yeah, not being a control freak is pretty cool.
I’m an alpha all day long, and it gets tiresome. I concede that I thrive on it; but at the end of the day, I’m spent. Self-reliance is exhausting. Making all the decisions is exhausting. Driving the car, literally or figuratively, is exhausting. It is! Everyone deserves a break from being "on" all the time. Isn't achieving balance fabulous?
It took me a ridiculously long time to get it. But once I did, once I accepted that the energy I exude and the way I approach my husband directly affects his response and behavior, I changed my tune. I bet all your other relationships got better too because this is literally true for every social interaction.
And when I did, something happened.
The tension disappeared overnight.
Just like that. Congrats! Con
Well, almost like that. It was a lot of stop and go at first. Habit change IS hard.
The tension disappeared overnight.
Just like that. Congrats! Con
Well, almost like that. It was a lot of stop and go at first. Habit change IS hard.
First I’d handle something the “right” way—i.e. by not arguing with him, or by not directing his traffic, or by being more service-oriented—and marvel at the response. mind = blown
Then life would get busy, and I’d resort to my old ways. Sure enough, I’d get a different response. So I’d make a mental note of how I messed up and make sure to get it right the next time. Eventually, it became second nature. Woah, listening and learning. Amaze.
It’s like weight loss. Once you realize that diet and exercise is the only way to stay fit, and that sugar and carbs create fat, a light bulb goes off in your head. You’ve unlocked the code to keeping your weight in check. Even if you fall off the wagon (and you will), you’ll know what to do to get back on track. Not the worst analogy.
That’s what it’s like to love a man. Once you learn how, you’re good to go. You have all the tools you need. That's what it's like to love a man loosen up and not be a controlling jerkwad in your human interactions. FTFY
But you have to use them.
It’s like weight loss. Once you realize that diet and exercise is the only way to stay fit, and that sugar and carbs create fat, a light bulb goes off in your head. You’ve unlocked the code to keeping your weight in check. Even if you fall off the wagon (and you will), you’ll know what to do to get back on track. Not the worst analogy.
That’s what it’s like to love a man. Once you learn how, you’re good to go. You have all the tools you need. That's what it's like to love a man loosen up and not be a controlling jerkwad in your human interactions. FTFY
But you have to use them.
